I've learned that I'm not as nice as I used to be. I don't care much or think much about how I make others feel. I don't watch what I say to protect any ones feelings. I've learned that I've missed out on some of the best parts of my life by smoking to much mary jane..and loosing the motivation that I once had. I've learned that I don't take anything seriously, It's like my feelings are dead or numb. Nothing seems to shock me or move me, or impress me these days.
I used to be the biggest cry baby you would have ever known in your life...My Mom used to tell me it's because I have the biggest heart....I never cry anymore, I bury all the heartaches and tears behind laughter and good times. I live for the moment, the "now" if you will. This part of my life has turned my heart black and hallow. I wonder how I got here? What could I have done differently? And what stopped me in the first place?
Never thinking ahead has gotten me to the worst place in life thus far. Stuck with no money and a handful of friends. My heart cries at night, I could fill a lake with my invisible tears. I try so hard to keep my eyes dry and a smile on my face, while I sit by and watch my life disappear. My money, my car, my job, my LIFE! Momentary spurts of joy usually involve drinks and a few friends. Work is unsatisfying, boys are just that, boys..they come and go..leaving me feeling emptier, colder and less human each time.
In essence, I've lost myself, I've lost my heart, I've lost it all...
Chapter 2: This part of my life is called " Getting my shit together"
More to follow...
